The Bridge for Women: Peer support for survivors of domestic abuse

Welcome to Gulf Coast Life. I'm your host, Carrie Barber. Today on the show, we're talking with Laurian Papa. She's the co-founder of a 501C3 called The Bridge for Women. The organization provides trauma-informed peer support for survivors of domestic abuse in Collier, Lee, Charlotte, and Hendry counties. She has also written a novel called Swing State that is based on her own experience. Welcome to Gulf Coast Life, Lori and Papa. Thank you. Thank you for having me. Let's start with you telling us what is the mission of the bridge for women? The mission is basically we're trying to have women who have suffered domestic violence situations, whether they're in it. They're kind of questioning if they're in it to have somebody to talk to. We talk about it and say it's like AA is, so it's peer support. Basically it came about because a dear friend of mine, Amanda, was in that situation. And everybody thought she had the perfect marriage, like the boy, the girl, the dog, the cat, and the wonderful husband. And when I first met her husband after knowing her... about five years I watched her shrink in front of me and him posture and I was like oh no so the next day I call her up I'm like you're not very nice are you and I mean he's not very nice is he sorry he's not very nice is he and basically she just started talking and she had said she had never told anybody before after that conversation we started saying that other women need this because it's very hard to admit when you're in an abusive situation you don't tell anybody until that minute that you think he's going to kill me or it's just that bad you don't want your family to know whether it's being humiliated or whatever so it was born out of we thinking that there's a need for people to be able to just have somebody listen to them understand not try to fix it just be there help them walk along the path with them while they figure out how to handle their situation. There's a lot of manipulation that happens with these narcissistic men. And I'm not saying it's only men. That's just who we're dealing with right now is the women that are going through it. And they get you to the point where you start believing that you're not going to be able to survive without them. And so when they're used to having a certain type of lifestyle, and I'm not meaning this ugly or anything, it's just that it's really difficult. to all of a sudden be like, how am I going to be able to feed my kids? How am I going to be able to get them to school because the threats of that they're going to take everything away? So it's not that these women are like, I'm not going to have the lifestyle. They don't know how they're going to provide for their children. That's kind of what it boils down to. And there's just everything becomes so fear-based. So when there's money, first of all, there's no one's going to believe me because of the influence or power their partner can have is a lot of it in Naples that you go to say something and nobody believes you. And then you're that woman because they're not just all of a sudden, they've been kind of planting a lot of seeds along the way of who this wife is. She's Daffy, she's this, whatever the case may be, that by the time she starts trying to speak her truth, everybody's like, oh, here she goes.

Yeah, and I just find that it's more of the fear of not being believed. And then you're having, you speak it, and then you have to go home and face this person. And it's just, it's a scary situation. Like you said, it's not like, oh, I will miss my Bentley. It's like, I don't know how I'm going to feed these kids because perhaps she hasn't worked in a while and all the financial stuff is in his name. And yeah, it's very scary. Yeah. That can be very scary. When did you start the 501C3? We were just approved, I want to say the middle of March. We started talking about this, like I said, five years ago. And then finally, Amanda, she's my co-founder. When her divorce became final, that's when we started all the paperwork and everything. But actually, she and I have been talking to people. So we've kind of already started this little journey of people that are needing that confidant. We each have a couple of women that we're talking with right now. So now we're just trying to raise money to... put some programs together. Interestingly enough, how I ended up healing was when I was trying to get out of my relationship, I was doing some acting and I was writing, like this book that, you know, we're going to talk about later. I started writing that 20 years ago. And I realized that, you know, creating characters, whether it was on stage or on paper, was helping me heal. in a strange way. So we had started like writing all the curriculum and doing everything probably like I said five years ago, but everything just started coming to fruition about a month ago. Wow, congratulations. Thank you. That's very hot off the hot off the press. Yes, yes. So speaking of that, tell me about the programs you offer because I know that they sort of grew out of your own acting experience and your writing experience and et cetera. So like I said, I was acting with Bert Reynolds at the time for people who remember him because he's an older movie star. And I realized it was it was such a free place to just kind of let go. And it was just a safe place, you know, and other people when they're thinking when they're trying to get out, you know, you don't want to go to bars, you don't want to do anything. And here I was just acting with a group of people and it ended up being very healing. So I was realizing as I was taking on different characters and really being able to get deep and, you know, taking it from a lot of the experience I was having, it was just healing. There's no other way to say it. And I'm not saying it's going to work for anybody. That's what Amanda and I laugh about. I'm like, This might not work for everybody, but everybody that we've done some work with, you know, we do improv and scene study and then monologues. And you can either write your own monologue and trying to work on that or we find monologues. And it's just, I don't know, cathartic in a weird way, in a weird way. And there is a lot of talk about, you know, all the different creative therapy that there is. And this is one of them. And then the writing, a lot of times when women are talking to, you know, their different. I went to victim services and they're telling you, journal, journal. I'm like, yeah, I'm not journaling. And, you know, oh, he was mean today. It's like, you know, repeat, repeat. And then you're afraid if you write anything in detail and then he finds it. It's like, then I have to deal with that. So everything I do is through humor. It's very hard for me to be.

I don't even know, just I like to laugh a lot more. So I'll take a situation no matter how dark it is and bring humor to it. So that's how, you know, just the writing. And we're helping people, I mean, some people want to just tell their story. And so it's more of a memoir or they're just, they are taking somewhat of a journal. So we're just having people kind of write their story in which way they feel comfortable writing and healing. Okay. And speaking of humor, we were talking before we got started that your cousin is the comedian Tompapa. Yes, he is. I'm just going to mention that because since we're on NPR, he's often on, wait, wait, don't tell me. I think people are probably familiar with him. So you yourself were in an abusive relationship, which is what also inspired you to get this going. And I mean, I know that coming out of domestic violence is Really, something that very few people understand, I think. Can you say a little bit more about what you hope to bring to the women who turn to you for help? Well, the interesting thing is, you know, when you're, like I said, when you're going through it, I just remember I was constantly pretending everything was okay. And especially with my family, it was extremely humiliating. My parents were high school sweetheart, so I felt like such a failure that. I was in this situation, you know, the words that, you know, women using that, I was allowing myself and like I would get in trouble. Like, I'm like, I'm an adult woman and I'm getting in trouble. You know, so it's just to be able to recognize, like once you're kind of out of it, you recognize it in other people when you see, especially like, their body posture of, you know, just like I said, when I said with Amanda, just shrinking right in front of you. And just to be able to have women get their voice back, get their confidence back. I'm happily married now, let's see, 15 years to the most amazing man. And I still get triggered by different things. I still have issues, like, you know, trusting people. I still bring those type of people into my life. And... you know I finally got to the point where I said you know what I like who I am as a person I like the fact that I still trust everybody I don't like the fact that I'm naive. I found out I'm at a networking event and someone was telling me I'm naive and I was arguing because I'm like, no, I'm not. I'm really cool. And I read the definition of naive and pouted for a week because I'm like, okay, I am naive. But then I said, I like who I am. So I don't want to change. I just have to figure out a way to live in my body and not allow those narcissistic people in my life. It's like you attract them. So basically, we just want people to be able to feel again, trust again. love again, and just heal. It's just, you know, giving them some options. I think the biggest thing is we have our covered bridge program. And it was funny, we're talking with our photographer and we're like, we need a name. And she's like, well, covered bridges protect you. And we're like, oh my gosh, we love that. So a covered bridge, you know, it protects you as you're crossing it. So that's kind of.

Our group meetings is just you either sit and listen to hear you're not alone. There's other people going through your situation. And we just had our first meeting. Oh my goodness. I don't remember the date now, but it was a week ago. And a lot of the women came and this one woman walks up to me and she's like, I wanted to know if I can get help, but he never hit me. And I'm sorry, I'm getting emotional. And she's sitting there saying she's like, but the psychological abuse of me not good enough. And like she starts going out and all these things. And I'm like, this is the problem. Like she's thinking that just because she wasn't hit, she wasn't abused. And then she starts going through all the things he was doing to her. And we're like, that's abuse. You know, if somebody's trying to manipulate you to not be who you are, not make your choices, have to do everything the way they want them. And you're sitting there feeling all these things. We're like, There's psychological, mental, and physical abuse. And the psychological, that was the hardest thing for me, actually, to get, you know, to get out of my head. I said I was sitting on the couch in the middle of the night and... saying to myself, okay, you know, maybe he's right. Maybe I am losing it. Maybe, you know, and I'm going through starting to believe all the things he's telling me about what this horrible person I am. And that's a harder thing to correct, to, you know, find yourself again. And the people who... you know, I'll say specialize in that are they know exactly how to manipulate and how that's that's their game. So the women victims are always kind of blaming themselves and it just makes me crazy. I mean, that's the setup, I guess. If he can make you think it's your fault, then. Yeah, it's crazy. I remember my first counselor, she brings out this ratty old piece of paper. So I was like, okay, this has been going on for a while. And she called it the circle of abuse. And like all the counselors, a lot of the counselors use it. And they say what it's this cycle of. you know all of a sudden the woman's realizing how bad it is and then she goes to get out and the minute he notices that she's getting out he turns on all the charm and then the woman's going he's back this man i fell in love with so you stay and then it happens again and i don't even i don't think it's a conscious thing i think it's all on subconscious levels for everybody but well maybe not for everybody but for a lot of people there's just they're just narcissistic jerks you know And it's often when the woman wants to leave that they are very violent and often may threaten to kill the woman or do kill her. Yes.

If you're just joining us, we are talking with Laurie and Papa, co-founder of the Bridge for Women, a 501C3 in Southwest Florida that supports survivors of domestic abuse. So what made you want to launch this besides your own personal experience? Did you feel that this was missing in Southwest Florida, these kinds of services? You know, Yes, a little bit. You know, I know there's like the shelters are the most amazing place. If, you know, if anybody's in trouble, get to a shelter because they have, they can protect you. They have a lot of resources. But because most of their resources is protecting you from, you know, your husband getting to you and protecting you and your children, they're, and you know, and they will help with, you know, getting jobs and things like that. This is more of peer-to-peer support. Just having somebody that's going to walk alongside you saying, I understand. They're not going to sit there and say, yeah, I get it. I went through the same thing and blah, blah, blah. They're saying, I understand. What a jerk. You know, and just like I said, hearing your story, talking it out, you know, and then having these tools of just doing things that are like our programs are fun, like to have fun again, to find your voice again. So. these shelters that are so amazing we found that they didn't have these type of programs but we are working working on working with the shelters we've had communication with them that as soon as we get all of our funding our goal is in august to do that that we are able to start launching these programs that's great and where is your funding coming from Well, we had our first event, literally, like I said, a week ago. And so right now it's just basically, you know, we're going to family and friends telling them about the mission. And the next thing we're working on is we're raising funds to be able to do like book club type things where I'm going, donating the books. And then people are, you know, offering money, not offering donating money, I should say. just learning about the program. But it's basically women hearing about it and wanting to support. They know somebody that's been through it. They've been through it. They're on the other side of it. So people are going to our website, thebridgeforwomen.org. And there's a, if you want to help, if you want to volunteer, or if you want to donate, everything we have is on the website. Okay, that's helpful. So yeah, let's talk about your book. So you wrote this novel about your experience called Swing State, which this is radio, so I can't hold it up and show people. But what made you want to... A, write this book, and B, write it as a novel and not a memoir. So, like I said earlier, you know, my therapist is saying, journal, journal, and I didn't want a journal. I was so fearful that he was going to find it. And then, like I said, I'd get in trouble. So I was always creative in the, you know, entertainment industry and stuff. And I always loved writing. So one time I was driving through.

this community on the other coast, other coast of Florida, and there was a swinging community. My friend was telling me, they're like, see all those million dollar houses, there are swingers. I'm like, you've got to be kidding me. So I go home that night, and I like dream up my stories. Like I write so many stories that I have these crazy dreams and then I start writing. So of course that night, I'm like, that's something he would do. And I'm not even kidding a little bit. I'm like, he would bring me to a swinging party and not telling me. And like my friends who know me know I'm so vanilla. It's so funny that, you know, I would be completely mortified. But then I started writing the story and, you know, that's where this kind of came about. And the funny thing is I started writing this, like I said, 20 years ago when I was getting out of the marriage. And a few years ago, I'm looking at my computer at all my old stories. And I'm laughing. My husband's like, what are you laughing at? My new wonderful husband, by the way. And I'm like, oh my goodness, I think this book is funny. My friend happens to call me and she's like, what are you doing? I'm like, I'm rewriting my book. I'm going to be a bestselling author. You know, I was trying to, the whole manifesting thing. And she goes, I just left a meeting where there was a publisher looking for a woman over 40 with a romance book. And I'm like, well, it's kind of romantic. So we get on the phone. She read the book and loved it and wanted to publish it. So that's kind of how it was born. But I, like I said earlier, everything I do is through humor. Even the salespeople at the publishing house was like, This is a romantic comedy and there's domestic abuse. And my publisher goes, you just need to meet the author and then you'll get it. And I'm like, so yeah, it's just, I was kind of telling my story. And the biggest thing I wanted to do is I wanted to write it. So other people are going to recognize this is so much softer than my life actually was because I didn't want it to be. I have, my children are grown now. And you and I were talking earlier about what's the fine line when you have children and you're trying to put your story out. And the interesting thing on May 11th is when my book debuted. And all of a sudden, the minute it was out there, I felt this huge weight lifted off my shoulder because for years I was always pretending. Still, now, everything's not that bad. It's okay. And then here I am. I let it go. You know, my daughter's a little upset with me right now for those listening in this situation. My son's proud of me. And their relationship with their father has now healed. But they did live through this with me and they lived through the physical abuse part of it. And, you know, I think she's a little upset because I put it out there. But. I'm almost 60 years old now, and I needed to tell my story. I needed to just, I needed to start healing. And, you know, like you said, where's the line? I don't know. I don't have the answer because after the book was published, then it's when I'm like, wow, everybody's going to read it. Yeah, I didn't think about that part. But. It definitely felt like it was healing. And it's fiction, so you never know what really happened. Yeah, exactly. So that's kind of a good. And also you're just being a good mother, you want to protect, you know, your kids obviously are still going to have, you may not have a relationship with this man, but your kids will. Exactly. Yeah, that's really interesting. But it's, it's just to go back to what you said about the writing workshops at the Bridge for Women. I mean, it sounds like.

that was a way that you could really work through what was happening to you and really kind of get to the other side. Yes, exactly. It was. It was healing because, you know, I was sitting there. And even though I was making up these characters in my book, a lot of the voice is mine. Like there are some little tidbits that the people that have been in domestic abuse situations, they're going to, they'll probably resonate and hear a lot of themselves and a lot of the book. But I. I needed to do it fiction because, you know, that way I was able to get a little crazy. I got a little Rocky Road. My vanilla personnel got Rocky Road in the book. You're like 31 flavors. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Oh my gosh, but that's important too that people see. I mean, that's what I was going to say about the Bridge for Women, that it's important for people who are currently in a horrible situation to see you and your co-founder that you have gotten out and you are, have moved on and you're having a nice life now. Yeah. Just to see someone do it or see someone who has done it. I think that's very powerful. Yeah. So it's the same with your book. So what do you wish you knew when you were first trying to get out of your marriage that you know now? You know, it's funny. Like, I guess the thing that's important to know is it's, first of all, everything you're doing, it's so, it's so fear-based and stuff like that. And it's so hard to think that things are going to get better, that everything can get fixed. It's not that that even happens. It's kind of like knowing that everything's going to be okay through every stage that you're going through this. which it's hard to explain, you know, almost kind of like, you know, just taking everything day by day and that's enough. You know, I remember when I was first going through it and I first got out, I got to my parents' house. I was blessed that, you know, some people don't have that. They're not fortunate enough to have, you know, their family to go to. I got to go back to my parents' house. And I remember for about a week, I just stayed in bed and she was making me eat a cracker and a glass of water a day, and that was about all I can handle. I didn't have anybody to talk to. My parents were high school sweethearts. I was very blessed to grow up in a Brady Bunch family. You know, even my cousin Tommy, we all saw each other four or five times a year, this big Italian family. So, I mean, a lot of his jokes of people watch him is about family. Most of it's true. My parents are Aunt Betsy and Uncle Bob, which he jokes about. But it's so hard when you're in this good family environment and then not have that. So I remember trying to get out of bed and I'm saying, I'm feeling so unworthy. I'm feeling so like whatever. I remember starting to write like list that I can cross things off of like, get out of bed, brush your teeth, get dressed, and write these simple things down just to know I can do it. So it's kind of like having somebody, I wish I knew somebody that was going through it then. And again, this is why I came because everybody around me in my world was in healthy relationships. And they didn't understand what I was going through. They, you know, some of them were thinking,

They tell me after the fact that how could it have been that bad? Because I never told them. So, you know, again, my brothers in healthy relationships, everybody. So to have, I wish that I had that person that could walk alongside with me and say they understood how I was feeling. Because it was almost worse that I was having to force the family to understand how bad it was because they couldn't understand how they wouldn't have seen it. that we were so close. Yes. That makes sense? Yes. And then you're so exhausted and wiped out. You're probably not the person who should be doing that explaining. Exactly. Exactly. Oh, boy. Yeah. It's... It's really something. Well, I'm so glad to hear that you've started this organization. I'm afraid we're running out of time, but is there anything else that you would like to talk about before we, before I let you go? No, I really appreciate Carrie having me here and being able to tell everybody because it is a resource. I think, like I said, I wish I had. So if they're in the situation and they go to the bridgeforwomen.org. Again, if it's some, you know, call 911 if it's an emergency and if there's something like, you know, that's not, we can't help with that, but we can help if you need someone to talk to. The biggest thing I want people to know is they can feel that they don't even know if they're in an abusive situation or not, but something's not right. They can call. This isn't somebody that, you know, if they're being physically hit, if they're feeling something's off and they need somebody to talk to, we will talk to anybody. Because. that's what we want to do. You know, and we're not saying we're therapists. We do have therapists that we're working with. We are peers that have been through it and just want to acknowledge that you're not going crazy. We can walk beside you. That's great. Okay. Thank you. All right, we have been speaking with Lori and Papa, co-founder of the Bridge for Women, which is a new organization in Southwest Florida that provides support for survivors of domestic abuse. She's also the author of the new novel Swing State. Thank you for being here today, Lorian. Thank you so much for having me. I appreciate it. This is Gulf Coast Life, and I'm your host, Carrie Barber. Thank you for listening. We had production help today from Emma Rodriguez and Mike Canary. This is WGCU. F.M. Fort Myers 90.1. W. M.K. O. Marco, Marco Island, 91.7 FM. NPR for Southwest Florida.